So, if you know me, you know how much I love coffee. Like seriously love. I love coffee more that my ex-husband (which kind of goes without saying since he's an "ex"). I did one of those things at the end of the year on Facebook last year and "coffee" was the most used word in my status updates. I love the smell of it first thing in the morning and the way that it warms everything up on it's way down.
No, seriously. I love coffee this much. It's like a lover who never leaves. A best friend who never criticizes and always has time for you. This is my love for coffee.
And because my love of coffee is so deep and unrelenting, I made a decision. This Lenten season, I'm turning my back on it. My love of coffee should never become greater than my desire for a deeper relationship with my Creator. And my God came down and endured relentless trials and temptations. He was criticized, dehumanized and sacrificed. For me. What have I done for him? Not much to be proud of honestly.
If I want to be able to have a closer relationship, I realized I needed to understand sacrifice better. I needed to give up something that was so much a part of me. Something that was all wrapped up in pleasure and desire. And, for me, this is coffee. So, for 46 days, I vow to turn my back on my morning lover and practice turning to the lover of my soul.
I complain a lot about getting older. I'm not old by any means, but let's just say I'm closer to 40 than 30. However, I will say that my 30's have been so much better than my 20's. I'm much more confident. In my 20's the "confidence" was more bravado and recklessness. Now, it's more comfortable and assured. I think I like the latter much better. I don't care as much about what others think. (Not that I cared too much to begin with.)
I've gotten to see the world in all of its glory and wretchedness. And I love it all. It has added to who I am and how I view life around me. It has made me appreciate what I have and love people for who they are, where they are. I find myself judging less and less. And, even when I find myself starting to judge someone, I have a tendency now to catch myself and ask, "Why do I think I have the right to judge?" I have not walked a mile in their shoes. I have not had to make their decisions. Someone loves them. They are someone's child, father, brother, sister, mother, friend.
I've been around a fair number of 20-somethings lately. And, I've started to hear more and more bravado/insecurity-induced judgments being made. I've read it in blogs, heard it in class and just out wandering on campus. My one suggestion to everyone is, go out and see the world. Not the glossy front that places put on to hide reality, but the
real world. See how real people live and work and exist.
I love the quote from Mark Twain: "Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime."
Happy Travels!
This is partially a musing on singleness and partially a musing on sanity regardless of your relationship status. I like to do things. A LOT of things. I have book studies and Bible studies, volunteer work, regular work. (I know...it's probably not cool to love your job but whatever...I do.) I have family commitments, friend commitments and commitments to myself. I'm on committees, panels, and groups for school. I work full time and am working on my masters degree. My plate is full. Full in a "Thanksgiving dinner" kind of way with gravy and green bean casserole spilling over the edge. Full in a "I don't really need sleep" kind of way. Full in a "if I don't start saying no I might end up in a locked ward" kind of way.
When you're single, in my experience, you get asked to do a lot of extra things. I've even been told specifically that they were asking me because I didn't have family or kids so they were sure I could do it. (AS IF! By the way...I don't work there any more. Ridiculous idiots!) My relationship status is NOT an invitation to pile on the work. Some of us actually have lives outside of work. Hard to believe, I know. (Note the dripping sarcasm.)
With all of this said, I do a good enough job piling the work onto myself quite nicely without help. And so, last week I looked at my life and my pile of self-made work (that used to be fun). By that, I mean that these were things that I loved to do but now just saw as one more obligation. One more thing that I felt committed to but didn't have the actual time for.
I looked at the mess.
I looked at it the way I look at my closets and dresser drawers at least twice a year. You know what I'm talking about. The super cute dress that you couldn't live without. You wore it once and it has, since then, remained in the deepest recesses of your closet. You bought it knowing that you could wear it everywhere and it would bring you happiness and light. Instead, it lightened your wallet by $100+ and has been taking up room ever since.
That's how I looked at my life, or what it had become. And I did the one thing I've never been good at doing (in life or my closets) and said no. I apologized to those friends whose feelings might hurt, but I told them no all the same. I started culling. I felt like I was filling garbage bags full of unwanted clothing! I felt like I could actually see the floor and the walls. I could see space between the hangers!
And so, now I have a cleaned up life. Very simple and zen-like. Kind of. It's clean for now. I know some things will weasel their way back in eventually. But for now, I have some time for me. Not a lot, but enough.
Ok. So maybe it's a cliche that single people really don't care for Valentine's Day. But things become cliche for a reason. And, although I don't speak for all single women, I do speak for myself. And myself says, "VD sucks." I haven't actually had a date, boyfriend, or even a secret admirer for v-day since Bill and Monica were exposed and viagra was approved by the FDA. The sad thing is...I'm not even exaggerating.
It's not that I'm anti-love. Hey, if you can find it, more power to you! It's that some people feel the need to emphasize that you don't have that ooey gooey romantic love in your life. Not only do they emphasize it, but they actually seem to enjoy making you feel like a pariah for it. Or...even worse...they then try to make you feel "better" by telling you about all of the people who love you in this world. Puh-leeze!
It is one day. One day out of 365. I wish I could be as cynical as some and say that it was created by the greeting card companies, but I can't be. Chaucer mentioned Valentine's Day. And even Shakespeare wrote about it in Hamlet. (Probably the most appropriate play for it to be in.) But even thought I can't be as cynical, I honestly don't love the day. I actually hate it. But more than anything, I hate the way people can try to make me feel about it. I hate that I give that power to them. Albeit for a very short time, but I still do it.
So, if you see me on that fated day, please don't acknowledge that it is anything. Don't wear themed sweaters. Don't flaunt the bouquet you got. And...whatever you do...unless you have a man wrapped up for me somewhere. DO NOT ask me what I'm doing for the holiday. It is no more a holiday for me than Thanksgiving is for turkeys.
So another year is here and I've done the one thing I swore I wouldn't do: go to grad school. That's right. Even more education for an already over-educated girl. I do have 3 bachelors...B.S. times 3...I know. I've been told I'm full of it before. They really have no idea.
So here I am, 36-ish, and getting ready to start a quantitative stats class and a counseling class. The former frightens me and the latter should start frightening my classmates (even though they don't know me yet). Of course there's a lab for the counseling class. Nothing better than spilling your guts to a complete stranger. Well, except that they will be in my classes until I graduate. So, they won't be strangers for long. I have enough fodder to scare the crap out of these people. And nothing much shocks me anymore.
This should be good.
