Most of those who know me don’t know my dirty little
secret. Trust me, it’s not what
you’re probably thinking. For
years…well…for most of my life, I’ve struggled off and on with depression. For some people, that may be a
shock. Like most people, I try not
to show all of the self-doubt and self-criticism. I am strong, intelligent, opinionated, stubborn and kind of
picky. Ok…so I’m really picky. So sue me. But being strong and intelligent has never saved me from the
valleys that I can find myself in.
Sometimes I try to think of it as a blessing. As something that makes me appreciate
the sweet moments all the more.
But, most of the time, it just eats away at my thoughts and my emotions. It makes a, usually, outgoing and
positive girl sullen and angry.
Oh, the anger. It really
isn’t even anger, it’s rage. Rage
at all of the crap that I’ve taken and taken and haven’t said anything about so
as not to hurt others, while allowing them to hurt me. Please note that I take full responsibility for my lack of action.
Over the last few weeks, the anger has been building. Every barb thrown has hurt more than
usual. Innocuous comments are
taken personally. And, it’s been
building, rising up in me like the putrid bile that it is. I’ve tried to steer clear of public
forums, meeting new people and those that I love so much, so as to not have as
much collateral damage. I’ve done
all that I’ve known to do in the past.
And still it builds.
And then, thanks to a friend, who has known me for longer
than I can even remember, I had an epiphany. In the middle of my crying and anger and venting, this
friend held up a mirror. They
asked me the real questions. They
told me the real truth. They never
judge me, even if they don’t agree.
Some of the things that came to me will not be mind-blowing
revelations. But, in the moment,
sometimes it’s hard to see even the simplest of logic.
- Detox – In this day and age, a lot of people are hyper-vigilant about toxins that go into our body via food. But, when did we forget that not everything that goes into our body enters via the mouth? Our ears and eyes take all of the information given to us and process it. Some is edifying and some isn’t. All of those hurtful barbs thrown at us, and all of the visuals we see and criticize ourselves about still enter. And they can cause havoc, “10 Little Monkey” kind of havoc. Sometimes a good detox is needed; detox from friends that may or may not be good for us and detox from what we’re reading or watching. We have to clean out the muck and the toxins so we can start fresh and refocus.
- Find a new way – There’s not always just one way to get to the summit. Sometimes we have to blaze new paths. This time around I’m trying something new: acupuncture and Chinese medicine. The anti-depressants I’ve taken in the past mask the symptoms so I can, theoretically, work through the issues. But, they also come with lovely side effects. The nausea, ear ringing and crazy dreams just weren’t as appealing to me this time. So far, it’s helping….a lot. As I lay on the table last weekend, Dr. J put the last needle in, said a prayer and left me to relax. He hadn’t even shut the door before the waterworks began streaming. It was like all of the negative energy that had been building was finally allowed a release. Eastern medicine isn’t a quick cure. And, quite honestly, I’m tired of quick fixes because they, more often than not, are just temporary.
- Be honest and take the power back – Not everyone has a problem with this, but I do. It’s not that I lie to people, it’s that I’m a people pleaser. Which, some of my friends would be surprised at. If I’m honest and opinionated with you, take it as a compliment. If you give me a criticism about what I’m doing, saying or wearing and I’m mouthy with you, it’s because I trust you. I trust that you love me and aren’t playing games with me. It’s really counter-intuitive to allow someone you don’t fully trust to play with your head, but it happens. And for me, it happens a lot. I don’t know why I’ve given these people power over me. Why do I care what a random stranger thinks of my choice of music or hairstyle? Why do I let someone, who may or may not be there for me in six months, have a say in how I feel about my physical appearance? I can’t tell you why. Well…I probably could, but we don’t need a dissertation here. What I do know is that I’m pretty much done with it. I’m done giving power to those who have done nothing to deserve it. I don’t think it will be easy for me, but if I start standing up to you and you fall in the latter group, be aware.
- Wear red lipstick – Yes, you read that right. Some days a little “fake it til you make it” needs to happen. For me, there is something empowering about wearing the perfect red lipstick. For me it’s Red Velvet by Besame. It makes me feel pretty and feminine even on a bad day. It makes my teeth look whiter and makes me smile more often. For you it might be wearing a pair of killer heels, your favorite jeans or that t-shirt that fits just perfectly. When I feel ugly about myself, red lipstick helps. It reminds me that, regardless of what my head may be trying to tell me, I am pretty and I am worthy. It may seem shallow to some, but hey…whatever works. And for me, it does.
So there you go.
My dirty little secret isn’t so secret anymore. And, to my friend of many many many
years, thank you. A few hours
talking on your couch and two very large vodka cranberries did more for me than
I can tell you.
Post a Comment